Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is
increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital
affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80%
of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another
involved in marital infidelity.
That may seem like a very steep number. However after two
decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family
therapist, I don’t believe that number is off the charts. I
worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who
were never discovered.
The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be
involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is
extremely high.
Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will
notice changes in the person’s habits and behavioral patterns as
well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity.
Maybe you will sense something “out of character” but be unable
to pinpoint what it is.
It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the
affair will continue to hide. The “victim” of the extramarital
affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt,
embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging
the crisis.
It might be important to confront the person with your
observations, depending on the status of your relationship with
the person.
It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are
different and serve different purposes.
Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I’ve
identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.
Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived
lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive
tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.
Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by
becoming “trophy chasers.” This “boys will be boys” mentality is
subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become involved in
marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and
excitement and are enthralled with the idea of “being in love”
and having that “loving feeling.”
An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the
spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from
rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and
feel very different.
Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming
personal desirability. A nagging question of being “OK” may lead
to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some
affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance
and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the
spouse.
The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for
each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a
marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different
extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of
the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others
demand patience and understanding.
The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually
profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies
(many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 -
4 years to “work through” the implications. A good coach or
therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don’t
recommend “marriage” counseling, at least initially.
The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful
dynamics. Trust is shattered - of one’s ability to discern the
truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the
other person, but to learn to trust one’s self. Another is the
power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an
emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be
acknowledged and dealt with.
How can you help?
Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this
from you:
1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know
sometimes I will say what I shouldn’t be saying. It may not be
nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need
to get it off my chest.
2. Every so often I want to hear something like, “This too shall
pass.” Remind me that this is not forever.
3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can
best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or
confusion.
4. I want to hear sometimes, “What are you learning? What are
you doing to take care of yourself?” I may need that little jolt
that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.
5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I
attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings.
Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through
this.
6. I want someone to point out some new options or different
roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am
first heard and validated.
7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other
resources that you think I might find helpful.
8. I want to hear every so often, “How’s it going?” And, I may
want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and
space to let you know exactly how it IS going.
9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings
and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the
gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I
may want.
10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on
you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know
when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.
Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They
affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is
also an opportunity - to redesign one’s life and love
relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.